78/2244. If I Had a Million (1931)
This is the rare anthology film, with each segment built around the idea of a dying businessman giving away a million dollars each to individuals he chooses at random out of a phone book. Interestingly, the new money makes very little difference in the lives of most of them. Pretty good on the whole.

79/2245. The Color of Money (1986)
Paul Newman revisits the character of 1961's The Hustler twenty-five years down the road. I didn't care for "Fast" Eddie Felton then, and I don't much care for him now. The strength of the movie is actually the charismatic up-and-comer played by Tom Cruise. Gee, once upon a time, that guy could really act.

80/2246. Crime Wave (1953)
I really love snarling, toothpick chomping Sterling Hayden playing a cop who just might be dirty as he leans way too hard on an ex-con the audience knows is innocent. It's good noir with a satisfying payoff.

81/2247. Julie (1956)
The ridiculously contrived third act of this unsubtle thriller starring Doris Day would seem to have inspired much of the following-year's Zero Hour! (co-starring Serling Hayden), which as we all know, is the template for the single greatest comedy film ever made, Airplane!. So that's cool.

82/2248. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)
The movie takes the television characters on an epic "save the world" adventure that, other than some very, very dark turns, isn't really any different than the source cartoon. But it is 100% worth watching for David Hasselhoff's brief but hilarious part. (I hope that man has had half as much fun in the entertainment industry as I have had watching him.)

83/2249. Desperate (1947)
When a robbery goes sideways, a well-intentioned teamster and his wife spend the rest of their life on the run from evil mastermind Raymond Burr instead of, you know, going to the cops. I guess if they'd done the sensible thing, it would have been a much shorter movie, and who wants that?

More to come.

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My neighbors already have a Christmas Tree in their window, and I want to smash it. The window, that is. The tree should be set on fire.

A wise man once said, "I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel." Hear, hear, Charlie Brown. I like peace on Earth. I like the idea of good will toward men. I even like candy canes, gingerbread houses, and getting gifts. So why don't I like Christmas?

I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that Christmas is a disruption of my regular schedule. That's not fun for me. And maybe I don't like seeing other people enjoy themselves. Keep your happiness in Whoville, you jerks!

But I think what I hate most is how commercialized the holiday is. The mindlessly rapacious American consumer is encouraged — nay, expected! — to buy a whole bunch of tchotchkes and gewgaws they don't want or need, crap like this:

We're tearing down forests and melting the icecaps so that someone can grow some faux hair on piles of poo? Bah, humbug.

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Hot take: I maintain that the Marvel Universe movies would be better if David Hasselhoff was still Nick Fury.

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"What are my views on fake breasts? Depends what my view of them is!"
-- David Hasselhoff to Camilla Long of the Ottawa Citizen

Ah, the Hoff has still got it! Sadly, he doesn't have it on TV anymore. Hasselhoff's reality television show, The Hoffs has been canceled after just 2 episodes were aired. Apparently The Hoffs was no Anna Nicole Smith Show. That should be a good thing, right?.

Of course this news was shortly followed by the news that Hasselhoff will be one of Simon Cowell's replacements on Britain's Got Talent. Hasselhoff had left America's Got Talent to star in The Hoffs, so this is something of a full circle for Hassellhoff. At this rate, I have to expect Baywatch: The Next Generation to be in the works sortly.

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Someone should have told me that David Hasselhoff was getting a "reality" show on A&E called, appropriately enough, The Hasselhoffs. The series premiered with the episode "Hoff the Record" yesterday, and showcases David shepherding his daughters into the music business. I'm sure that the show will be a big hit. In Germany.

So now that it is clear that my childhood Hollywood icons are selling out their "lives" for another shot at televised fame, who else should I expect to open the doors to their wacky family foibles? Hulk Hogan, Mr. T, Scott Baio, Stephen Segal, and now David Hasselhoff have fallen for the sirens' call. Who's next?

• Harry Anderson (Night Court) in Harry on the Outside?
• Catherine Bache (Dukes of Hazzard) in Baby Got Bache?
• Dave Coulier (Full House) in Coulier Than You?
• Ted Dansen (Cheers) in Dansen with the Stars?
• Emilio Estevez (Breakfast Club) in A Polished Sheen?
• Lou Ferrigno (Incredible Hulk) in Should I Stay or Should I Ferrigno?
• Richard Grieco (Booker) in It's All Grieco to Me?
• Pamela Hensley (Buck Rogers) in Fox in the Hensley House?
• Kathy Ireland (Sports Illustrated) in Ireland Eyes are Smiling?
• Don Johnson (Miami Vice) in Sonny Side Up?
• William Katt (Greatest American Hero) in The Katt in the Hat?
• Joey Lawrence (Gimme a Break!) in Laying Down the Lawrence?
• Ralph Macchio (Karate Kid) in Maccio, Macchio, Man?
• Leonard Nimoy (Star Trek) in Leonard Long and Prosper?
• Jerry O'Connell (My Secret Identity) in Oh, Jerry Art Thou?
• Bronson Pinchot (Perfect Strangers) in A Little Pinchot Goes a Long Way?
• Randy Quaid (National Lampoon's Vacation) in Quaid-y as a Fox?
• Judge Reinhold (Fast Times at Ridgemont High) in Lest Ye Be Judge'd?
• Ricky Schroeder (Silver Spoons) in Schroeder the Load?
• Alan Thicke (Growing Pains) in In the Thicke of It?
• Blair Underwood (L.A. Law) in Fresh Blair?
• Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) in Van Patten Down the Hatches?
• Lisa Whelchel (Facts of Life) in Any Whelchel Way but Lisa?
• Xuxa (Xuxa, pronounced "shue-sha") in Shopping for Xuxa?
• Tina Yothers (Family Ties) in Yothers and Sisters?
• Stephanie Zimbalist (Remington Steele) in Last but not Zimbalist?

Never mind. I don't want to know. I won't watch anyway.

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If you ever want to know what's wrong with Marvel Comics, look at Nick Fury.

Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby in 1963, Fury was a tough-as-nails U.S. Army Sergeant during World War II who later became a take-no-prisoners Colonel and secret agent (under the creative pen of Jim Steranko) before promotion to the self-sacrificing Director of the Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law Division (S.H.I.E.L.D.). Fury loves action, babes, and cigars, and thanks to the Infinity Formula and Life Model Decoys, he'll live long enough to enjoy them all for years to come.

In recent years, Fury has changed like all other Marvel properties, and not for the better. No more smoking. (They say it glorified the habit.) No more immortality. (Goodbye, WWII.) No more ethics. (Smoking is bad, but always winning is all-important.) No more respect. In an attempt to sell more comic books as movie properties, Fury has been transformed from a character that could be played by David "Foundation for Law And Government" Hasselhoff (as seen in comics like Nick Fury, Agent of Shield) into a character as played by Samuel L. "mother-fucking snakes on this mother-fucking plane" Jackson (as seen in The Ultimates comics).

What does this manipulation of Fury from Joe Friday to Shaft have to do with Marvel's often touted creed of "telling better stories"? Nothing. Marvel is simply trying to merchandize their way into more Hollywood films of dubious quality in order to supplement their meager income and abysmal story sense.

Sadly, this strategy seems to be working. Marvel leads the industry in comic book sales despite several consecutive years of major crossovers that do little more than degrade their so-called "heroic" characters and poke holes in their much ballyhooed "consistent continuity." Now that Samuel L. Jackson has accepted the art-imitates-life-imitates-art role of Fury in this Summer's Iron Man movie, no doubt further changes will be made in the comics to encourage future trips down this slippery slope.

So congratulations, Marvel, on marketing your inferior product of "re-imagined" rehashed stories to an unsuspecting marketplace. Maybe if they don't know that they could have had a better product, they won't miss it when it's gone.

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I just watched the new Knight Rider television show on NBC. Finally, someone got a remake of a previous show right. What made the original Knight Rider so popular? Cool talking car, straightforward crime drama, kickass intro theme, and David Hassellhoff. The producers of this show got all of those elements just right. ("Will I see you again?" "I hope so." Me too, Hoff!)

Of course, the Executive Producer of this show is Glen Larson, who just so also happened to be the producer of the original, and I suspect that had something to do with it. Pay homage to the original series (or in this case, act as though you're the rightful heir of said series) and you'll have an automatic audience of crusty, die-hard old-timers like me chomping at the bit for your product. Glad to see that NBC didn't make the same mistake here as they did with the rightfully-canceled-after-one-season Bionic Woman remake.

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In the late 80s, I watched Marc Summers as the host of Nickelodeon's Double Dare. By the turn of the millennium, I was watching Marc Summers as the host of the History Channel's History IQ. Now I watch Marc Summers as the host of Food Network's Unwrapped. This progression pretty much sums up the aging process: messy childhood, know-it-all teenager, forced-to-cook-for-yourself adulthood.

(Note that I never watched Marc Summers as the co-host of Lifetime's Biggers and Summers. I simply refuse to watch anything on Lifetime. It's a channel devoted to the equivalent of after-school specials for housewives.)

You watch most television personalities play characters. Usually poorly. I enjoyed David Hasselhoff for his "portrayals" of Michael Knight and Mitch Buchannon. I'm fond of William Shatner for playing Captain Kirk and about one hundred guest star appearances, all of them equally way over-the-top. And don't get me started on My Favorite Martian / The Magician / The Incredible Hulk star Bill Bixby. (I'd recognize Bix before some members of my family.) But Marc Summers always plays Marc Summers.

I'm pretty sure that in another 25 years, I'll be flipping channels and still see Marc Summers, looking none the worse for time, hosting a show deep into my cable dial (maybe hosting the show You've Fallen: Can You Get Up?). It's a comforting thought, really. Some things don't change.

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Yesterday, I watched TNT's pregame for the NBA Skills Challenge during the NBA All-Star weekend festivities. At one point, Charles Barkley jokingly called David Hasselhoff "Dan Marino." My first reaction was to blow it off as an offhand comment. But then I really thought about it....

And damn if Charles isn't right.

When you put the two side-by-side, they do look very similar. (Both are even the same height -- 6' 4" -- according to the internet. And the internet can't lie.) Of course, the first thing I thought was: are they the same person, or twins separated at birth? Have they ever met or played in a celebrity golf tournament together? Has one ever slept with the other's wife while pretending to actually be her husband?

Why hadn't I noticed this before? I'm a huge fan of Marino (I went to his Hall of Fame induction, for Pete's sake), and I've seen every episode of Knight Rider, Baywatch, the first season of Baywatch Nights, and Nick Fury: Agent of Shield (which is awesome in the same sort of way as The Anna Nicole Show and NASCAR crashes).

I wonder how well Hasselhoff throws a football? (I know how well Marino acts. He's every bit as good as Hasselhoff.)

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